Monday, January 21, 2008

Occupational Hazards

As a health club member, what's the most mortifying experience you've had? Think hard. Was it the time you were run off the lat pull-down machine by some grunting goliath who still had 12 sets to finish? Did you fall off the treadmill, or maybe have a wardrobe malfunction?

As a trainer, I'm privy to the many faux-pas of gym usage, from the cranky lifters who never learned to share to the pick-up artists. But there's one corporal crime that keeps coming back to haunt me, one I feel compelled to share here in my inaugural post.

Keep. it. in. your. shorts.

You heard me. Yes, you, the aficionado of flimsy running shorts, the ones you wear not while running but while lying on the floor performing endless sets of leg lifts and pelvic thrusts. I speak to you in particular, the gentleman who until a few months ago wore nothing at all beneath that nylon loincloth (we all thank you for your foray into the world of bikinin briefs) as you sat atop the stability ball, winding your hips in lazy circles, your knees splayed open before the mirror. You, sir, should be ashamed of yourself.

A while back I was training an older man (I should point out that most offenders appear to be older than 60) and had him doing sets on the leg press. As he placed his feet on the sled, it was to my shock and horror that his scrotum fell out of his shorts---as I knelt not 2 feet from him. He was oblivious; I was thinking, this is not what I want to look at at 7:00 in the morning. I haven't even had my coffee yet.

A friend of mine used to regularly encounter a gentleman in the locker room who, after a shower, would stand naked at the bathroom counter, toweled dry but for his genital region, and use two hairdryers to tend to his dripping man parts. I think my friend started showering at home after that.

What's with the explosion of exhibitionism I'm seeing? Or, as I like to call it, Old Balls on Parade. Maybe these folks haven't heard of compression shorts; maybe they're completely aware of what they're doing. In any case, guys, before you engage in any exercises which involve lying on your back, please, for my sake: check the view.

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